Yeah, that’s right. AI is rubbish at Christmas. Bah, humbug to you and your gibberish, ChatGPT.
There I was listening on the radio with yet another year of Christmas ker-ching for all the regulars with their festive playback royalties, and it occurred to me that maybe I could have a Christmas no. 1 of my own! Because everyone needs a side hustle these days and how hard can a festive hit be with generative AI at the ready?
The first problem I had was what to write my song about. They say you should write about what you know, so a world-first cybersecurity Christmas classic seemed perfect for mass appeal. Then it was over to ChatGPT for some Wenceslas-style wordplay – but the results were hideous.
What I got was a list of some of the most carelessly crowbarred phrases into Christmas carol titles. Fancy listening to a bit of Firewall the Way or O Come, O Come, Secure IP? I thought not. How about I Saw Three Data Streams or Tracking-free is coming to town?
Has there really been any effort here to think about the sense of these suggestions? I think OpenAI might be on the sherry already.
After “Hark! The VPN Tunnels Sing“, “Proxy Wonderland“, and “Oh the Latency Outside Is Frightful“, I decided that enough was enough. I rolled my sleeves up and had a go at songwriting the old-fashioned way.
So, here it is! Sticking to the AI’s themes, I’ve gone with a cybersecurity-inspired Christmas carol. It’s not going to make me any yuletide millions – unless Michael Bublé changes tack and decides he’s going to cover it – but I’ve certainly read worse, and I’m definitely more Christmas-y than a machine. For one more year, at least.
Encrypt ye, merry gentlemen,
Let’s hope you do not find
Your bank account and home address
Are being sold online
A VPN will fix your woes and
Loe, I hope you’ll find
O tidings of safe searches online, searches online
O tidings of safe searches online
When you decide to search online
A band of thieves can swarm
A VPN is software through which
Secure tunnels form
They keep your traffic secret so
They’re not in vulnerable form
O tidings of safe searches online, searches online
O tidings of safe searches online
If speed is a concern of yours
Those woes can go away
With WireGuard your broadband speeds
Are more than here to stay
And OpenVPN supports
Secure and speedy days
O tidings of safe searches online, searches online
O tidings of safe searches online
When traveling far away to shores
Where shows you love don’t show
A VPN can help you find
A secure way to go
Unblocking films from Netflix or
Shows from HBO
O tidings of safe searches online, searches online
O tidings of safe searches online
To VPNs sing praises
All those upon this site
For a more secure time online
The future doth look bright
With features added all the time
These systems have such might
O tidings of safe searches online, searches online
O tidings of safe searches online